I went to a conference this past weekend in Chicago called "Empowered to Connect". I learned about attachment disorder and strategies to build connections with my daughter. Her reluctance to put her trust in me manifests itself, in part, through a constant pursuit of control. In her short life, she has been given reason to fear the future. She has had too many significant losses for such a little girl. Living day to day with her is often difficult because she does not believe with certainty that I will continue to meet her needs. Therefore, she resists letting go of control and allowing me to take care of her.
This is demonstrated clearly through the process of getting her dressed in the morning. If I want to avoid a tantrum, I must select outfits I can live with, bring the choices downstairs rather than show her amidst the sea of clothing in her room and then act like I really don't care what she chooses. If I do all of this then maybe she will feel a sense of control and proceed to get dressed. Her constant pursuit of control is motivated by her belief that she had better take care of herself, because other people are not dependable. She has surrendered control to others in the past who have gone on to abandon her, so she is reluctant to surrender again. Like all children who have experienced the disruption of a significant relationship early in life, she has an attachment disorder.
I was reading from Sarah Young's devotional "Jesus Calling" this morning. In the April 24 entry she paraphrases the Bible saying, "I am always with you so you have no reason to be afraid. Your fear often manifests itself in excessive planning. Your mind is so accustomed to this pattern of thinking that you are only now becoming aware of how pervasive it is and how much it hinders your intimacy with me."
I am afraid to trust God, so I try to control every detail of my life in order to create a feeling of security and safety. God has adopted me as His child and has promised to always love and take care of me, but my damaged human spirit resists His invitation to be His child and let Him meet my needs. I think about the maddening frustration we experience when dealing with my daughter's behaviors, which are rooted in fear...grief...shame. I think about how difficult it is sometimes to maintain a nurturing and compassionate attitude toward our little girl who seems to be doing her very best to push us away. We often fail to be the parents she needs. I am God's adopted daughter. Despite His promise to always love me and take care of me, I resist Him. I am afraid He will not meet my needs, so I try to control every aspect of my existence. All my efforts to decrease my anxiety backfire. When I try to manage my own life, I experience greater anxiety, because, like my 3 1/2 year old daughter, I am not equipped to handle the responsibilities and stresses of life on my own.
I pray that God will give me a spirit of humility as I continue to be my daughter's mother. When I encounter her fear and resistance in my efforts to care for her, may I remember that I am just like her. We are both adopted. I pray that we will both learn to trust in our parents' promise to take care of us.
This is demonstrated clearly through the process of getting her dressed in the morning. If I want to avoid a tantrum, I must select outfits I can live with, bring the choices downstairs rather than show her amidst the sea of clothing in her room and then act like I really don't care what she chooses. If I do all of this then maybe she will feel a sense of control and proceed to get dressed. Her constant pursuit of control is motivated by her belief that she had better take care of herself, because other people are not dependable. She has surrendered control to others in the past who have gone on to abandon her, so she is reluctant to surrender again. Like all children who have experienced the disruption of a significant relationship early in life, she has an attachment disorder.
I was reading from Sarah Young's devotional "Jesus Calling" this morning. In the April 24 entry she paraphrases the Bible saying, "I am always with you so you have no reason to be afraid. Your fear often manifests itself in excessive planning. Your mind is so accustomed to this pattern of thinking that you are only now becoming aware of how pervasive it is and how much it hinders your intimacy with me."
I am afraid to trust God, so I try to control every detail of my life in order to create a feeling of security and safety. God has adopted me as His child and has promised to always love and take care of me, but my damaged human spirit resists His invitation to be His child and let Him meet my needs. I think about the maddening frustration we experience when dealing with my daughter's behaviors, which are rooted in fear...grief...shame. I think about how difficult it is sometimes to maintain a nurturing and compassionate attitude toward our little girl who seems to be doing her very best to push us away. We often fail to be the parents she needs. I am God's adopted daughter. Despite His promise to always love me and take care of me, I resist Him. I am afraid He will not meet my needs, so I try to control every aspect of my existence. All my efforts to decrease my anxiety backfire. When I try to manage my own life, I experience greater anxiety, because, like my 3 1/2 year old daughter, I am not equipped to handle the responsibilities and stresses of life on my own.
I pray that God will give me a spirit of humility as I continue to be my daughter's mother. When I encounter her fear and resistance in my efforts to care for her, may I remember that I am just like her. We are both adopted. I pray that we will both learn to trust in our parents' promise to take care of us.
